Grief is a truly strong and overwhelming emotion that accompanies loss. One can feel numb, drawn away from daily life, or unable to carry on with day-to-day duties. It’s important to highlight that grief is not limited to the loss of people, the individual experience is different and influenced by the nature of the loss (death of a loved one, loss of a job, end of a relationship, loss through theft, loss of independence through disability, or any other change that alters life as we know it). The experience of grief is universal and at the same time very personal and unique, it’s a natural reaction when we face a loss. At some point, in everyone’s life, there will be an encounter with grief and it will be different for each and every one of us, even the grieving processes for the same person can be felt differently depending on the loss.
Some experts have developed grieving models, ways, and sequences in which people can go through this process. For example, a very well-known model is the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle model, elaborated by the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her work On Death and Dying (1969). After years of working with terminally ill individuals, she proposed that their grief can be divided into stages, but later on the stages were adapted for other experiences with loss too.
These stages are:
1) Denial: Usually the person tends to pretend as if the loss or change is not happening, this gives time to gradually process the situation. The denial is a common defense mechanism that helps desensitize or numb the person; however, when moving out of this stage, the emotions one has been hiding will arise. Some examples of denial are:
2) Anger: This stage has a masking effect on the person, as it’s hiding most of the pain and emotions. Anger can also appear as bitterness or resentment. The rational brain is able to distinguish that the object of your anger isn’t to blame (person who died, an ex-lover, an old boss, etc.), but at that moment the emotion is too intense to realize it. When the anger diminishes, one can think rationally about the loss situation and feel emotions that have been pushed aside. Some examples of anger are:
3) Bargaining: This stage is all about looking for ways to regain control or feel like one can change the outcome of an event. People tend to feel vulnerable and helpless, creating several statements starting with ‘what if’ and ‘if only’. Religious persons tend to try and create a deal/promise with a higher entity in exchange for relief from the pain. Bargaining acts as a defense against strong emotions that come with grief, hence its postponing sadness, confusion or hurt. Some examples of bargaining are:
4) Depression: During the first three stages, the person has been so overwhelmed by the emotion, that to keep them safe the brain has tried to avoid the pain. On the other hand, this stage embraces the emotions and lets the person work through them, this can be difficult, overwhelming, messy, heavy, and confusing. If you feel stuck in this stage or can’t seem to move past it, it is recommended that you seek support from a mental health expert. Some examples of depression are:
5) Acceptance: The final stage is not necessarily a happy or uplifting one, it doesn’t mean that one has moved past the grief, it means that one has accepted the loss and has understood what it means. People tend to feel strange and different in this stage, which is normal and expected since they’ve had a major change in their lives. Acceptance is knowing that there will be more good days rather than bad ones, but it also includes knowing there will be bad days and that’s fine. Some examples of acceptance are:
It sounds very nice to know what is the process one goes through when mourning, knowing what comes next and how long the pain will last, but mourning can last months or even years. We must remember the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle is only one of the models and is initially based on terminally ill people, rather than people who find themselves in other situations. Although it has been demonstrated that people experience these stages, many people will not progress through them. One can cry, be angry, withdraw and feel empty (none are unusual or wrong during grief), but it’s not a neat nor linear process since grief is highly individualized and unpredictable. Since this process doesn’t follow timelines or schedules, everyone grieves differently and sometimes there are common aspects in the stages and the order of feelings, making the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle a reference as to what can come up during grief.
1) Acute Grief: Acute grief happens in the immediate aftermath of a loss. Strong sensations of yearning, longing, and grief are nearly always present, as are worry, bitterness, rage, remorse, guilt, and/or shame. It can be difficult to concentrate on anything else while thinking about the person who died.
2) Integrated Grief: Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. Grief does not end when a person adjusts to their loss. Instead, they combine their loss-related thoughts, feelings, and behaviors into ways to remember and respect the person who died. Grief takes up residence in their lives.
3) Complicated Grief: When anything prevents adaptation, complicated grief arises. When this happens, extreme sadness can last for months or even years. A person experiencing difficult bereavement is in excruciating emotional anguish. They can’t shake the notion that their loved one will return, and they don’t see a way out. Without their loved one, the future becomes bleak and undesirable. People frequently mistake this for depression, yet Complicated Grief and depression are not synonymous.
4) Disenfranchised Grief: Disenfranchised grief is a type of grieving that has received less attention. Grief that is “not openly acknowledged or publicly supported through mourning customs or rituals because the experience is not appreciated or counted as a loss” by others. Grief might often be imperceptible to others or difficult to detect. The loss of a partner or parent due to divorce, the death of an unborn child and/or infertility, and the multiplicity of losses experienced by a sexual assault survivor are all examples of disenfranchised grief.
The pain that comes with grief mitigates as time passes and the person adapts to their new life without what or who was lost. Since the process obeys its own trajectory, there is no timetable for the feeling of pain and hence it’s not possible to avoid the suffering altogether. When people attempt to deny or suppress the grief, it only prolongs the process and demands additional emotional effort; on the other hand, there is a misperception that the ‘more’ one grieves the better or that there is a proper way to grieve, which also only makes the process more difficult.
Experts reinforce the fact that one has to realize they can’t control the process and thus prepare for varying stages of grief. While going through the process, they indicate that understanding the suffering can help, as well as talking to others. Finally, it is worth noting that if you are uncertain about your grieving process, you are encouraged to consult your health care professional.
How celebrities describe grief and loss
Many stars have opened up about their processes of grief and loss, here are some of their descriptions:
