What is communication?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, communication is the process of transmitting messages or information from one place or person to another; this process allows an increase in understanding between people. The American Psychology Association indicates that messages can be verbal (oral or written) and non-verbal (such as facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, posture, etc.). But… How do humans communicate? We can exchange ideas and transmit feelings or states of mind, knowledge, and experiences; what we decide to communicate goes according to our interpersonal or social purpose. Communication is the only way we can be known by others. When there is a communication problem within a couple, there are greater things occurring within that relationship. Communicating information about ourselves, especially sensitive information, can be tricky because we can feel vulnerable.
Principles of communication
Many factors play a determinant role in determining if communication between two or more people is going to be successful. Therefore, four universal principles have been developed in order to decrease the chances of misunderstandings or conflicts and increase the probability of successful communication.
We are used to assuming that what we want to communicate is what the other will understand, and if he/she doesn’t understand, it’s their fault. In order to deliver a message, it has to go through many filters from the sender and from the receiver, which end up modifying the contents. For example, if a man is frustrated or angry after long hours of work and driving through rush hour, he might communicate this to his family through his tone of voice, facial expression, or choice of word; the same can happen to the receiver’s side, when they expect someone to be angry, they might perceive even neutral messages as cruel ones. Hence, feedback is necessary to be sure that the message sent is in fact the one received. It involves asking others what they have understood from the communication, and it gives a possibility to clarify if the understanding doesn’t match the sender’s intentions. It is an important skill of questioning our interpretation of the sender’s message. At times, in our quick analysis, we interpret intent that can only really be known by the sender.
We are always communicating. Not talking only demonstrates one’s intentions to not communicate. All of us can remember a time we either participated or felt the force of “the silent treatment.” How loudly that silence can ring. Intentional or unintentional, all actions end up communicating what we want, so verbal communication (the choice of words) is only a small part of the process. Body language, tone of voice, voice volume, gestures, facial expressions, and more are in charge of complementing the verbal message.
Content refers to the meaning of the message that comes from the words used, while the feeling is expressed through non-verbal signs but is still connected to the content. When we encounter a message that has a disagreement between the content and the feeling, we face confusion. A common example is when someone tells us “do whatever you please” (content) in a loud angry voice while avoiding eye contact (feeling). Nowadays, we face this confusion constantly due to electronic communication (via emails, texts, etc.). Misinterpretation can happen easily because the words used lack the non-verbal signs that give vital information about the message.
When we are faced with the discrepancy mentioned before (between content and feeling), the receiver gives more importance to the feeling (non-verbal cues). For example, when we are told “great job!” in a sarcastic tone, we are more likely to focus on the sarcastic tone rather than the words being used.
Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
John and Julie Gottman are research psychologists. They are dedicated to studying couples and analyzing relationships through direct observations and physiological records in their laboratory. With the results of their longitudinal studies, they concluded that there are 4 key factors that directly influence the couple’s relationship satisfaction: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (which is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament, therefore it is used to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship). These are potential problems that can kill love and safety. They refer to 4 fundamental errors related to communication:
It refers to global and lasting attitudes that directly attack the personality of the partner (on the contrary, complaints are punctual manifestations of a specific fact). “When you didn’t save dinner for me, I think you might have acted selfishly” versus “you are so selfish.” It can make one feel rejected and hurt, and can also cause the couple to fall into an escalating pattern where criticism appears with more frequency and intensity. When criticism becomes persistent, it opens the door to the other horsemen.
Offensive and undervaluing the other can include sarcasm, insults, teasing, ridicule, disrespect, eye-rolling, etc., and the objective is to make the other feel despised or worthless by taking a position of superiority. Contempt is usually aggravated by negative thoughts about the partner held for a long time. This single horseman can predict the failure of the relationship to a great degree.
This implies not accepting a complaint and responding defensively and counter-attacking, which makes the situation worse. It is typically a response to criticism, and when feeling accused, we play the innocent victim so our partner backs off – but alas, it’s almost never successful because it only transmits the message that we ignore our partner’s concerns and don’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness is perceived as an attack mode; the partner feels that he is being blamed and the conflict will only escalate; they usually won’t back down nor apologize.
When the first three horsemen show up, partners are likely to drift apart. Avoidance is usually applied by the exhaustion of the first 3 horsemen, and as we seek to protect ourselves, we withdraw from the interaction and stop the conversation by shutting down–rather than confronting the issues. Evasive maneuvers such as turning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in distracting behaviors can avoid arguing at the moment but make the situation worse in the long run.
Antidotes for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Conflict cannot be avoided, but how it’s managed is what predicts the success or failure of the relationship. The first step towards eliminating the horsemen is identifying them in your discussions, then. Then you can think about replacing them with healthier patterns.
Criticism attacks our partner’s character, their core. The antidote would be a gentle start-up by using complaints (focusing on specific behaviors). A gentle start-up would avoid saying “you” since it references blame, and alternatively talk about how a situation or conduct makes you feel by using “I” statements.
Since contempt comes from a position of superiority by being destructive and defeating, the antidote comes from a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. When you regularly express to your partner appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect, you are creating a positive perspective that functions as a shield for negative feelings.
Defensiveness is an act of self-protection that seeks to deflect a perceived attack by blaming the partner and insisting you aren’t the problem. The antidote would be learning to take on responsibility for part of the conflict since it takes two to argue; this also avoids the escalation of the conflict by acknowledging your role in the conflict.
Avoiding conflict by withdrawing from a discussion and not responding to your partner usually occurs when we have emotional overload; therefore, the antidote would be physiological self-soothing. First, it requires you to stop the discussion and take a time out that lasts at least 20 minutes (it takes this amount of time to calm down your body). During this time, you should avoid thoughts that encourage the discussion, such as righteous indignation and innocent victimhood, and focus on doing soothing and distracting activities (like listening to music, reading, or exercising).
