Do you find that you have trouble getting close to people? Difficulty opening up even to those you care about? Do you minimize your emotions, or have trouble recognizing what it is you are feeling? If this sounds familiar for you, it may be a result of an avoidant attachment style.
When a person’s emotional needs were not met as a child, or they felt they had to minimize their own emotions to make room for the feelings of others, they may develop an avoidant attachment style to their caregivers. Meaning, they learn to independently deal with their own emotions, usually by supressing them. Avoidant attachment style can follow people into adult relationships, making it difficult for a person to express their feelings and be truly vulnerable.
Often people with avoidant attachment styles have been suppressing their emotions since they were a child. They might deal with depression because of years of suppressing emotions. They might experience issues with anger because anger is an emotion that covers what one might really be feeling. They might experience difficulty in relationships because it is hard for them to communicate what they truly feel if they are not sure of it themselves. They may not feel safe to express emotions even if they can recognize them for what they are.
Some ways to learn to be in touch with your emotions, are practicing mindfulness, setting healthy boundaries, and using the emotions wheel to identify to true emotion when feeling anger or depression:
Think of people in your life who are trustworthy, if it is difficult to trust people, examine the evidence of trustworthiness/risk of opening up to people in your life. Evidence that someone might be trustworthy may include:
Trustworthy people could be a good friend, a family member, or a therapist. Begin to practice honesty and vulnerability with people you feel safe with. Identify your emotions and then open up about them.
When someone has had an avoidant attachment their whole life, then opening themselves up to their feelings can be overwhelming, and often people might feel like their emotions are too extreme to be shared with others.
This blogpost is not all-encompassing, rather, it is a starting point if you are struggling with an avoidant attachment style. If the task of cultivating secure relationships seems overwhelming, we encourage you to seek professional help.
References:
Brown, D. P., Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment disturbances in adults: Treatment for
comprehensive repair (1st ed.). Norton.
Feelingswheel.com. (2025, February 25). Feelings wheel. https://feelingswheel.com/
Veritas Psychotherapy. (2025, February 25). How to heal avoidant attachment style:
strategies and tips for building secure relationships.
https://veritaspsychotherapy.ca/blog/how-to-heal-avoidant-attachment/
