What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem refers to how much we value ourselves. It is ideally constant and does not waver with our actions or the opinions of others, but it is quite common that when we make a big mistake or we are rejected by a loved one, it can shake the legs we stand on.
As with all relationships in life, the one we have with ourselves will be greatly determined by how we treat ourselves, in particular our internal dialogue. How do we conceptualize who we are? Do I feel competent? Can I survive and take a risk? Am I assertive? When things go poorly, can I be kind to myself, forgive myself even? Do I know what I need and then try to satisfy it?
Where does self-esteem come from?
As previously said, self-esteem is a set of beliefs and attitudes about oneself, but where do these thoughts and opinions originate? Many factors influence the development of self-esteem, which has long-term consequences (for example, self-esteem tends to be lower during childhood and increases through adolescence and adulthood, reaching a fairly stable level). Internal and external factors influence self-esteem development.
External situations that occur during our lifetime can also affect our self-esteem; for starters, how other people react to us; socioeconomic status and one’s role in society; experiences at home, school, work, or community; racism and discrimination; media messages; and the bonds with other people, especially relationships with those close to you (family members, friends, teachers), leave a meaningful mark on self-esteem; the beliefs and thoughts you hold about yourself nowadays are a reflection of the messages you have received from meaningful people over the years. As a result, strong relationships where there is unconditional love and acceptance are more likely to make you feel worthy and create healthy self-esteem, whereas relationships with negative feedback, criticism, and devaluation are more likely to make you struggle with low self-esteem.
The range of self-esteem
Self-esteem can change throughout the years and fluctuate according to the specific circumstances we are going through and our developmental age. However, it tends to remain within a range that reflects how you feel about yourself in general. The range goes from low self-esteem, passing through healthy self-esteem, and into excessive self-esteem; in the following paragraphs, we’ll review each one.
Healthy self-esteem
Enjoy who you are and find yourself worthy of respect. It includes a balanced, accurate, and realistic view of who you are and an understanding of your skills and weaknesses. A person with healthy self-esteem is able to understand and express their needs. This allows them to maintain healthy relationships with others. Other signs that indicate the presence of healthy self-esteem are: feeling confident and knowing the difference between arrogance; being assertive and establishing boundaries; believing they are equal to others; avoiding dwelling on negative past experiences; looking towards the future with positivism; accepting feedback; not fearing failure or setbacks; being resilient and accepting who they truly are. Being able to differentiate who you are Doing something poorly (ex. not being particularly social or getting poor grades) does not make you less than.
Excessive self-esteem
Overly-high or excessive self-esteem gives people an off-putting sense of privilege or power, and hence the inability to learn from their failures. People with this type of self-esteem can struggle with interpersonal relationships and criticism since they restrain themselves from self-improvement by believing they are perfect. Some signs that are related to excessive self-esteem are a preoccupation with being perfect and believing they can’t fail; the main focus placed on being right; and excessively overestimating their skills and abilities. It is often mislabeled as narcissism due to the fact that people with narcissistic traits appear to have high self-esteem, but in fact, these people tend to unstably fluctuate between high and low self-esteem depending on the circumstances.
Low self-esteem
The other end of the range is low self-esteem, causing people to feel insecure about their abilities and the decisions they make, to the point where they are not motivated to try new things because they don’t believe they are able to achieve their goals. Low self-esteem makes us look at ourselves using negative and critical lenses, putting little or no value on our own opinions and ideas, constantly worrying that we aren’t good enough, and, therefore, feeling unworthy and unloved. By focusing so much on negative aspects, we can tend to minimize or ignore our own positive qualities, believing others are more successful or capable and therefore more valuable. Having low self-esteem looks different for everyone. Some key signs are: the main focus on perceived weaknesses; difficulty in expressing your needs that can lead to issues in relationships by putting the needs of others first constantly; a negative outlook on life; frequently experiencing self-doubt and worry; struggling with confidence and belief that others are better; fear of failing and a sense of lack of control; trouble accepting positive feedback; having difficulty setting boundaries (saying no). Low self-esteem is not a mental health problem in itself, but it is closely linked to certain mental health challenges like depression and anxiety.
Causes of low self-esteem
Self-esteem begins to develop in childhood, according to the feedback, comments, interactions, and opinions of parents, teachers, friends, siblings, and many other individuals that have an important role in our lives; we receive a lot of information that helps us build a perspective of who we are. Even the media sends us messages about ourselves. The messages we receive can be positive and encouraging, or negative and critical.
Many different life experiences can contribute to developing low self-esteem. For example, those that are considered difficult or stressful, such as an unhappy childhood where parents, teachers, or other significant people are absent, can create experiences where a person feels neglected, judged, and discriminated against; ongoing physical or mental health problems such as chronic pain, serious illnesses, physical disabilities, depression, or anxiety disorders; poor academic performance or difficulty carrying out schoolwork can result in a lack of confidence; problems at the workplace can create ongoing stress, as well as financial trouble due to job loss or difficulty finding employment; and recurrent worries about physical appearance and body image. Personality can also play a role in the development of self-esteem. For example, some people have a higher tendency to have negative thoughts, while others can set impossible-to-reach goals for themselves.
How low self-esteem affects us
Self-esteem can directly impact life quality. Having low self-esteem can foster negative feelings that come from constant self-criticism. These can be sadness, depression, shame, guilt, or anxiety. Relationship problems can also arise, such as tolerating inappropriate behavior from partners and/or friends because you believe friendship must be earned or that you are unlovable. Moreover, a lack of confidence can make you withdraw from social situations, avoid activities that involve others because of a fear of judgment, and develop a fear because you doubt your abilities. This can create a sense of safety in the short term, but in the long term, it can have an adverse effect since it embraces your doubts and fears and establishes avoidance as a coping mechanism. Low self-esteem can also lead to a lack of self-care—like neglectful or abusive actions—and self-harming behaviors—for example, excessive smoking or drinking, eating disorders, or drug abuse—that put the person at risk.
How to improve your self-esteem
Be kind to yourself. Seek to learn about yourself, what you like and don’t, in order to let yourself experience a wide range of emotions. Give yourself permission to live through uncomfortable emotions without drowning in them or hiding away from them. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others, there is no point in comparing when we are all so intrinsically different; recognize what you’re good at, and remind yourself of your special qualities. Celebrate your achievements or successes, and accept the compliments you get—don’t dismiss them. Have positive self-talk and say positive things to yourself, including being kind and compassionate by forgiving your mistakes. Look after yourself by trying to get enough sleep, having a balanced diet, doing some physical activity, and avoiding recreational drugs as a way to cope.
Build a support network. Build positive relationships with those around you and seek to connect with people who are positive and appreciate you. Talk to family members, friends, or specialists about what you are going through; connecting with people who have had similar experiences can be helpful.
Identify negative thoughts and challenge them. Learn to recognize unkind and distorted thoughts that have a direct impact on your self-worth, then challenge them by looking for objective evidence to see if the criticism is even true (you will notice most of them are unfounded) and/or countering them with more realistic and/or positive thoughts.
Being assertive and setting boundaries Communicate your needs, feelings, and beliefs. It’s okay to say no, and you can even express to those around you that you are going to start trying to place healthier boundaries. Share that you love them and are nervous about saying no, but it’s important to start trying to learn the skill.
